a list: random thoughts

It's one of those weeks here where there's more balls in the air than I can catch. So many jumbled thoughts and ideas and to-dos. Inspired by Jodi's list-making over at Practicing Simplicity, here's my version.

I am...

making corn fritters, and savoury muffins and other healthful snacks perfect for little hands.
cooking well-planned meals. We save more, eat better and waste less - should have got onto this sooner!
drinking green smoothies. Perfect go-to when I have a glut of kale.
reading too much stuff on parenting. I need a breather. Next on my list is 'Plentitude: The New Economics of True Wealth' and 'Women who run with the wolves'
wanting my baby to wake a little less overnight. I need to get work done & I neeeed sleeeeep.
looking forward to celebrating Hugo's first birthday.
playing lullabies at bedtime, and almost putting us both to sleep.
wasting time faffing about when I could be doing things that 'fill my cup'.
sewing absolutely nothing - one day.
wishing for a little bit more time to myself in the evenings.
enjoying working through the Dream. Discover. Do. ecourse.
waiting to get chooks. And getting impatient!
liking being back at work.
wondering what will become of our environment, healthcare and education system under this woeful government.
loving watching Marcus and Hugo together. I think my husband falls more in love with his son each day.
hoping Hugo will settle into Family Day Care and sleep okay so we don't get kicked out!
marvelling at how quickly Hugo learns to do new things.
needing to organise and declutter. And budget and save. You know, that old chestnut.
smelling sweet baby skin at bedtime.
wearing Saltwater sandals.
following my instinct.
noticing that i've settled into motherhood quite comfortably now.
knowing that everything with children is a season.
thinking constantly. Must slow down.
bookmarking Mr Money Mustache for a financial/consumerism reality check every now and again.
opening invitations in the mail for happy occasions.
giggling at the weekend shenanigans with my girlfriends. Weddings are so wonderful for bringing everyone together.
feeling lucky.

Fading summer

A brief afternoon sojourn in the sun yesterday was a reminder of just how fleeting these days of babyhood are. 

Next summer these hands will spend their time building sandcastles instead of crawling, and the excited squeals of delight will give way to words. There'll be running into the waves, dog-chasing and dream-catching. 

As one season gives way to the next I feel a profound sense of gratitude for this moment and the beautiful simplicity of childhood. 

May this boy spend many more joyful summers getting salty.

When worlds collide

Today I returned to paid employment after 12 months maternity leave. Waking up before the alarm, I slip out of bed, leaving my two sleeping boys, and pull on a pair of pre-pregnancy 'work pants'; they look different on this body, irrevocably changed by motherhood. And not unhappily so; where yoga teaches respect for the body, pregnancy and childbirth leave me in awe.

With post-it notes on lunches for husband, baby and grandma in the fridge, and my lunch and breast pump in a bag, I say my distracted goodbyes and i'm out the door to make the train. 

My head already at work, my heart forever at home.

I bounce up the stairs of Parliament station, greeted by the familiar cheer of the homeless man selling the Big Issue, his weather spiel unchanged (forecasting a scorching 62 million degrees today). 

My mind is a sponge, trying to absorb the information; of conversion funnels, user experience and journey mapping. Everyone asks about my son, now almost one: "how times flies!"

Everything changes, yet everything stays the same.

But I am different. 

24 hours - the newborn phase

I realise this is likely to be of zero interest to others, but I want to record what a typical day is like as we navigate looking after a newborn. I'm sure those with more experience or different philosophies on feeding and sleeping would do some things differently - with the hindsight (and experience and confidence) provided by just a couple of days I would change my approach on some things too!


Tuesday 23 April, 2013

12am - enjoying sweet slumber while the little man has his biggest sleep of the day (3-4 hours).

1.29am - Hugo wakes with a screech after going to bed at 10.30 (45 minutes previous to this was spent asleep in our arms while I waited for husband to get home/had a shower). I lift him out of his Moses basket and into bed with me for a feed. He latches on immediately and begins guzzling.

1.47am - falls asleep on the breast, I put him back in his basket and make a quick dash to the toilet. I can hear him stirring from there. He won't settle so I pick him up again.

1.51 am - decide to change him to rule out uncomfortable wet nappy. In the lounge room now so offer another feed and he takes it. 

2.10am - put him back in his basket, I hop into bed and begin to settle him to sleep with gentle patting and shushing sounds. 

2.30am - around this time we both fall asleep.

4.32am - Hugo wakes and feeds for ten minutes. 

4.45am - he resists sleep again but we eventually get there.

5.40am - Hugo wakes grizzling, obviously uncomfortable from wind. Lots of farting. He has another small feed but is too uncomfortable to sleep it seems. 

5.55am - try in vain to burp him to relieve the discomfort, walk around the house doing the 'colic carry'. 

6.10am - Marcus is awake now and cuddles me while I comfort the little man. We decide to change his nappy and see if that helps. 

6.20am - Hugo is wide awake now but we still try and put him down. No luck so he comes into bed with us.

6.30am - lots of back rubbing and tummy patting - he's happy enough and he has lots of chats with Daddy. 

7.00am - Husband gets up while I lay in bed and feed Hugo.

7.15am - he's asleep! I move him up the bed away from the pillows and covers and attempt sleep myself. 

7.50am - I wake up to noise in the kitchen and dog paws clicking around on the floorboards. Contemplate making my breakfast but decide against it as I don't want to leave Hugo in our bed alone, plus he could wake up at any minute.

8.00 am - instead do five minutes of tidying and get half dressed, then hop back into bed and enjoy staring at how peaceful our little boy looks.

8.15 - 8.45 - decide to doze for a while but don't really sleep.

8.45 am - grab my iPhone and do some mindless internet browsing. 

9.12 am - Hugo wakes up - should have had breakfast, now starving! Move him closer to me for a feed. 

9.22am - he's done so we get up and change his nappy and I pop him in the bouncer while I race against the clock to make my breakfast ( fried eggs on grainy sourdough and pomegranate & cranberry juice). 

9.45 am - he's still happy enough in the bouncer so I move him to the bathroom so I can wash my face, put contacts in and slap on some makeup. I get halfway there before he becomes unsettled - good run though little man! 

9.55am - we grab a book and I start reading but he has other ideas - time for another feed.

10.35 am - Hugo briefly falls asleep in my arms after a longer feeding session due to wind - pulling off the breast and writhing around crying. Not fun for either of us! Zip him in a swaddle in his basket and hope for the best

11.00am - Hugo wakes up and I carry him around with me for five mins while I finish a couple of chores and the last of the apple I cut up for a snack. I'm now dressed, teeth brushed and ready to face the day. 

11.15am - while walking around with Hugo talking to him about his doggy friend he does a little spew. Time for a change of clothes and a new nappy while I'm at it. 

11.25 am - Hugo is unsettled so I offer a feed: he latches on with gusto! No wonder he's growing out of his clothes before he's even had a chance to wear half of them. 

11.35am - he done, so we saddle up and take the dog for a walk in the sunshine. 

12.25 pm - home from our walk, I put a very sleepy Hugo into his bouncer and make myself lunch (leftover poached chicken and spring onion mix in a sandwich with avo, cherry tomatoes and Camembert cheese). Sit down and read some of the weekend magazines - spot a recipe for some savoury muffins and add ingredients to shopping list to make tomorrow.

12.46 pm - he wants out of the bouncer now - kindly waited until I'd finished lunch and wiped the bench. Not enough time to put out the washing though, that will have to wait for later. Must say this bouncer is a revelation! 

12.55 pm - after a bit of playtime and chatting he gets restless and looks for food. Another feed!! 

1.10 pm - attempt for the third time to read story - he's not having a bar of it. Might need to start with some shorter books! Hear some movement so it's nappy change time.

1.20 pm - leave Hugo on change table while I put clothes on the clothes airer. Figure I've got a max one week before he's in danger of rolling off so can't do this for much longer! 

1.30 pm - head out to do some grocery shopping. I put Hugo in the Ergo carrier and he was bobbing his head around for a while taking it all him, then his head thumped on my chest for the last time as he fell asleep. At the cashier a lovely older lady could see it was a bit of a juggle so she emptied my trolley onto the conveyor belt and then put it all back in again once I'd paid - such a nice thing to do! 

2.15 pm - Arrive home and he's hungry again! No wonder I feel like I'm glued to the couch. Still, it feels wonderful to be able to easily give him all the nutrition he needs and enjoy all the cuddles and closeness that goes with it.

2.30pm - he looks tired and is falling asleep so I attempt to put him down for a nap. After zipping him in his swaddle he's wide awake, wriggling around and doing his 'poo face'. I persist and pat him to sleep until 2.40pm then stop to put away the shopping.

2.55 pm - prepare to do the dishes but a few strong cries call me into the living room. After a bit of a cuddle I put Hugo in the bouncer in the kitchen while I do the dishes. He then gets unsettled so I change his nappy.

3.25 pm - move the bouncer to the living room in the hope I might get some thank you cards written - no such luck, but hey at least the dishes are done! 

3.30 pm - after he won't settle I offer a feed which he takes. I'm not sure if I should be trying to stretch out his feeds at this point? Something to mention to the health nurse tomorrow.

3.50 pm - Hugo comes off the breast, milk drunk. He obviously was hungry! 

4.00 pm - nap time. I top and tail some green beans to go with dinner, bring the bins in, eat a plum and sit down to get started on the thank you cards. I get half way through one.

4.30 pm - Hugo wakes up and wants a feed.

4.55 pm - asleep again so I put him in his basket. Not happy with that though. He feeds some more - I'm actually pretty happy he ramps up his appetite at this time of day as hopefully it sets him up for a better night's sleep...

5.25 pm - finishes feeding and falls asleep in my arms. 

5.40 pm - after getting off the phone to mum I put Hugo down in his basket for a nap.

6.20 pm - Marcus arrives home from work early! Hugo still asleep so I'm getting through the thank you cards. 

7.00 pm - We eat dinner - Eggplant and lentil lasagne with a side of green beans. Meal from the freezer since I haven't quite worked out how to fit cooking into my day yet!

8.00 pm - he's finally awake after nearly two and a half hours asleep! Marcus changes his nappy and clothes. 

8.20 pm - begin what should be a decent feed.

9.00 pm - stop feeding as he's getting a bit restless. Time for some cuddles with daddy while I have a shower and get ready for bed. 

9.45 pm - we change his nappy and I give another feed.

10.15 pm - he falls asleep.

10.30 pm - bed time for me! 

Phew. All in all, a pretty good day! I'm actually getting more done that I thought I would at this point, coping with the broken sleep better than I expected and really enjoying watching Hugo grow every day and awaken to the world around him.

Growing

I've wanted to return to this space for some time, but haven't had the right words to bridge the gap between then and now. Maybe I still don't. But what I do know is that I want to record this - the feeling of wonder and gratitude as I sit on the couch each evening and feel our baby's kicks and movements in my belly. 

After finding out mid-July that I was finally pregnant again, in the last four months i've moved from being gripped with fear in those first twelve (plus) weeks, to gradual acceptance that we are actually having a baby. It's been a real lesson in living in (and enjoying) the current moment. Of course i'm still neurotic at times and worry if I don't feel the baby move for a while, or I eat something of questionable origin. But for the most part i'm embracing it all and moving through those emotions. 

I've been lucky, this pregnancy has been kind to me so far and i'm determined to make the most of this journey. At 23 weeks, i'm feeling and looking very pregnant, while internally i'm working through the inevitable shift in identity as I move from independent, feminist, professional worker-woman to being at home and responsible for a tiny human. It's big stuff. And particularly since I feel like i've never really hit my stride career-wise (I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up!) it leaves an even bigger question of 'what next?'

But I need to accept that right now, I don't need to have the answers. I just need to take a deep breath and go with it. For myself, my husband and our burgeoning little family. The experience of the wise and awesome Rebecca Woolf of Girls Gone Child is a helpful reminder:

"People talk about losing yourself in motherhood, but I found motherhood was an amazing place to find myself"

Bring it on. 

Slow

saltbush, succulent and rosemary from the garden

farmers market treats with the husband and peppermint tea

parisian holiday planning 

the perfect kind of relaxing winter weekend x

Inward and onward

That old adage "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade" has been my guiding principle in looking for the positives sans baby-growing. Since we won't be up all night changing nappies this July we're instead going to hop on a jet plane to visit some very good friends in London and do a bit of Europe (Yay!).

While it's going to be all sorts of amazing, unfortunately sometimes a few weeks of holidays on the horizon isn't enough to lift me out of the holding pattern that is waiting to be pregnant again. So i've spent a lot of time reading and navel-gazing in an effort to find fulfilment and happiness in the everyday, because no one likes a sad sack and let's face it, life's too short.

The last few books i've read and enjoyed on the topic are:

I Could Do Anything If Only I Knew What It Was by Barbara Sher

The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin

Conversations with Richard Bandler: Two NLP Masters Reveal the Secrets to Successful Living by Richard Bandler and Owen Fitzpatrick

At the suggestion of both my acupuncturist and a friend who had a great experience with it, I've also had a session of Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP). I went in with a healthy degree of skepticism given it's been largely discredited by science, however it has helped me to rationalise unhelpful thoughts and recognise how much our experiences of the world are shaped by the way we think. 


There were some areas of the NLP book I really didn't agree with (such as treating schizophrenics by 'going on a journey' with them - and in fact, believing it's wise to treat the condition with NLP in the first place) but there were some nuggets of wisdom, such as the idea that events are 'neutral' and gain meaning through the version of reality we project onto them. I've been finding this particularly helpful when dealing with the emotions of guilt and fear.


What about you, have you read any 'self-help' books that have really resonated? Or maybe tried some form of therapy or life coaching? 

Then the sun came out

Today I got to enjoy a beautiful day at home, courtesy of working until 3am on a website deployment. Sitting outside bathed in sunlight with the puppy dog by my side, I was filled with a sense of contentment and gratitude. They say 'it's the simple things in life' that make us happy; I think achieving this means giving ourselves the opportunity to really see and appreciate what is ordinary in our lives. 


I'm not always good at this but i'm working on it.