Growing

I've wanted to return to this space for some time, but haven't had the right words to bridge the gap between then and now. Maybe I still don't. But what I do know is that I want to record this - the feeling of wonder and gratitude as I sit on the couch each evening and feel our baby's kicks and movements in my belly. 

After finding out mid-July that I was finally pregnant again, in the last four months i've moved from being gripped with fear in those first twelve (plus) weeks, to gradual acceptance that we are actually having a baby. It's been a real lesson in living in (and enjoying) the current moment. Of course i'm still neurotic at times and worry if I don't feel the baby move for a while, or I eat something of questionable origin. But for the most part i'm embracing it all and moving through those emotions. 

I've been lucky, this pregnancy has been kind to me so far and i'm determined to make the most of this journey. At 23 weeks, i'm feeling and looking very pregnant, while internally i'm working through the inevitable shift in identity as I move from independent, feminist, professional worker-woman to being at home and responsible for a tiny human. It's big stuff. And particularly since I feel like i've never really hit my stride career-wise (I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up!) it leaves an even bigger question of 'what next?'

But I need to accept that right now, I don't need to have the answers. I just need to take a deep breath and go with it. For myself, my husband and our burgeoning little family. The experience of the wise and awesome Rebecca Woolf of Girls Gone Child is a helpful reminder:

"People talk about losing yourself in motherhood, but I found motherhood was an amazing place to find myself"

Bring it on. 

Mental note

Slow

saltbush, succulent and rosemary from the garden

farmers market treats with the husband and peppermint tea

parisian holiday planning 

the perfect kind of relaxing winter weekend x

Sushi

I have a pretty broad palate these days but I can't say i've ever been a huge fan of sushi. Even in Japan i'd devour a salmon steak or a plate full of gyoza before I'd choose the sushi or sashimi. I know it's probably akin to sacrilege.  

Tonight we took my family to a Japanese restaurant we near home, the place which challenged my ambivalence with the freshest sushi, sashimi, wasabi and ginger combo you've ever tasted. Okay slight exaggeration, but you get my drift. We were there for my mum's birthday and i'm very pleased to say she's sushi's newest convert too! We're a sad lot, I know.

 

Inward and onward

That old adage "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade" has been my guiding principle in looking for the positives sans baby-growing. Since we won't be up all night changing nappies this July we're instead going to hop on a jet plane to visit some very good friends in London and do a bit of Europe (Yay!).

While it's going to be all sorts of amazing, unfortunately sometimes a few weeks of holidays on the horizon isn't enough to lift me out of the holding pattern that is waiting to be pregnant again. So i've spent a lot of time reading and navel-gazing in an effort to find fulfilment and happiness in the everyday, because no one likes a sad sack and let's face it, life's too short.

The last few books i've read and enjoyed on the topic are:

I Could Do Anything If Only I Knew What It Was by Barbara Sher

The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin

Conversations with Richard Bandler: Two NLP Masters Reveal the Secrets to Successful Living by Richard Bandler and Owen Fitzpatrick

At the suggestion of both my acupuncturist and a friend who had a great experience with it, I've also had a session of Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP). I went in with a healthy degree of skepticism given it's been largely discredited by science, however it has helped me to rationalise unhelpful thoughts and recognise how much our experiences of the world are shaped by the way we think. 


There were some areas of the NLP book I really didn't agree with (such as treating schizophrenics by 'going on a journey' with them - and in fact, believing it's wise to treat the condition with NLP in the first place) but there were some nuggets of wisdom, such as the idea that events are 'neutral' and gain meaning through the version of reality we project onto them. I've been finding this particularly helpful when dealing with the emotions of guilt and fear.


What about you, have you read any 'self-help' books that have really resonated? Or maybe tried some form of therapy or life coaching? 

A letter of loss

I've been debating whether or not to share this here; the vulnerability of these words exposing my fears and ultimately, my reality. But it's a reality that too many women experience, and too few share, so here goes...

Thursday 12 January, 2012, 7.20am

Despite that niggling feeling I had that you wouldn’t be there, today was to be the day we’d tell the world about you. My boss would know and we’d talk about maternity leave, the rest of Marcus’ family would know and I’d send my friends the happy message that all was on track.

But it wasn’t to be.

The biggest fear I’d had all along – a missed miscarriage – happened. All along I wasn’t concerned about the NT results or problems with the pregnancy, all I worried about was seeing that heartbeat and your wriggly web-like fingers and toes at the 12 week scan - the safe point. Increasingly at times I didn’t feel like this pregnancy was real, but I and others tried to brush it off as negative talk – and that’s not healthy for the baby. Maybe I need to give into my intuition a bit more; I think subconsciously I must have known you were no longer there.

As I read about miscarriage – a topic I tried to avoid because it scared the crap out of me – more spiritual people than me talk about losing a child. For us it’s the loss of what could have been; what was meant to be. Science tells me you were just a bunch of cells and on the ultrasound screen, that’s all you looked like. But you brought the promise of so much more and now it’s gone.

We tried to be pragmatic and not get ahead of ourselves, we didn’t buy anything for you or the nursery for fearing of ‘jinxing’ it. But we did imagine you in my swelling belly at upcoming weddings, beach days and housewarmings, gushingly telling people about you and the hopes we had. Those days are gone for now, but hopefully not forever.

Then the sun came out

Today I got to enjoy a beautiful day at home, courtesy of working until 3am on a website deployment. Sitting outside bathed in sunlight with the puppy dog by my side, I was filled with a sense of contentment and gratitude. They say 'it's the simple things in life' that make us happy; I think achieving this means giving ourselves the opportunity to really see and appreciate what is ordinary in our lives. 


I'm not always good at this but i'm working on it.