Friday, 23 November 2012
I've wanted to return to this space for some time, but haven't had the right words to bridge the gap between then and now. Maybe I still don't. But what I do know is that I want to record this - the feeling of wonder and gratitude as I sit on the couch each evening and feel our baby's kicks and movements in my belly.
After finding out mid-July that I was finally pregnant again, in the last four months i've moved from being gripped with fear in those first twelve (plus) weeks, to gradual acceptance that we are actually having a baby. It's been a real lesson in living in (and enjoying) the current moment. Of course i'm still neurotic at times and worry if I don't feel the baby move for a while, or I eat something of questionable origin. But for the most part i'm embracing it all and moving through those emotions.
I've been lucky, this pregnancy has been kind to me so far and i'm determined to make the most of this journey. At 23 weeks, i'm feeling and looking very pregnant, while internally i'm working through the inevitable shift in identity as I move from independent, feminist, professional worker-woman to being at home and responsible for a tiny human. It's big stuff. And particularly since I feel like i've never really hit my stride career-wise (I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up!) it leaves an even bigger question of 'what next?'
But I need to accept that right now, I don't need to have the answers. I just need to take a deep breath and go with it. For myself, my husband and our burgeoning little family. The experience of the wise and awesome Rebecca Woolf of Girls Gone Child is a helpful reminder:
"People talk about losing yourself in motherhood, but I found motherhood was an amazing place to find myself"
Bring it on.